I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
