i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
