I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
