In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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