my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
