I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
