phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
