Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
