I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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