I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
