I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
