you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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