Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
