My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
