You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
