I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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