I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
