i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
two words...techno handjob
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
