My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
