So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
