i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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