I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
