Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
