we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
