How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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