The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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