They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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