Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
