and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
