The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
