I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
