How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
