I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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