so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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