Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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