what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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