I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
