not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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