Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
