So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
is that a dick in a sweater?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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