its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize