You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
