Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
