my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
