Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
