I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
