Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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