Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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