i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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