My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
